We work tirelessly to get things write (zing!) here at Portland Bugle, but from time to time facts slip by, oversights are made and mistakes make it to print or affect the background of our publication. We take each of these mistakes as an opportunity to refine our processes and improve. We promise our readers we are always working on putting out error-free Portland news.
Interview with Conrad Murray
In the buildup to our inaugural issue in February, we promised potential advertisers the first front page story would be a hard-hitting interview with disgraced doctor Conrad Murray, of Michael Jackson’s death fame. However, due to the lack of connection to the Portland community, and our overwhelming impotence in accessing Mr. Murray, or even knowing where to start in trying to gain access to him, we had to abandon the story. Further, ‘hard hitting’ was a bit of an oversell as well. Should the Red Sea have parted, the Heavens opened–or we gained any level of investigative or networking competence–and we got to Mr. Murray, we would have lobbed softball after softball to him until we had built the puffiest subject-serving puff piece you’ve ever seen. Mr. Murray himself would have been like ‘Goodness, my [expletive] stinks too.’ Portland Bugle apologizes for our actions here, and hope these potential advertisers will still consider reaching our wonderful readers through The Portland Bugle.
Portland Bugle would like to apologize to Mr. Pynchon for not carrying the piece that was going to serve as the launch for his brand new ‘Hire Thomas Pynchon for Your Next Event’ website. We simply ran out of space, unfortunately, but had a wonderful time singing karaoke and getting late-night Taco Bell with you, Big T. When news affecting Portland slows down, we’ll fulfill our promise, and that’s a promise. The Bar Mitzvah, middle school assembly and Quincinera circuit is going to be thrilled. You still owe us $1.79 for the Crunch Wrap Supreme.
Maurice ‘Mo’ Harkless
Due to a gross misunderstanding of the NBA Salary Cap, Portland Bugle declined repeated offers for interview with Mr. Harkless. We regret not accepting this generous offer. Further, we regret the condescending, sarcastic, vulgar and downright insulting ways in which we turned down the interview. We realize that Mr. Harkless is, indeed, on the Trail Blazers roster, and not our childhood neighbor Garret being a real jackass–just a real, [expletiving] annoying, insufferable [expletive]. If you knew Garret, you’d understand. If Mr. Harkless would re-extend his offer, Portland Bugle will accept it without hesitation. But please, Mr. Harkless, don’t sound like you’re using a fake voice.
‘Right’ not ‘write’
Portland Bugle would like to apologize for the wordplay preceding the Corrections, Retractions, and Omissions section of the March, 2016 issue. This was no place for such a turd of a joke, and we are troubled by our lack of professionalism.
That wasn’t classy. We want to be classy. Sorry.