Warriors to sign McCollum, Lillard ahead of Game 2

“If you can’t beat them super, super easily, have them join you,” Warriors guard Stephen Curry said of round one rumblings about Golden State’s imminent roster plans. “I won’t rest until we have a Globetrotters/Generals situation.”

Operating under the belief that it’s neither fair nor right that they should be challenged in a playoff game–even if only for three quarters–the Warriors have announced their intentions to sign Blazers guards CJ McCollum and Damian Lillard ahead of Game 2 of their round one playoff matchup.

The Blazers duo combined to score 75 points and frustrate Golden State’s attempt to urinate all over the concept of parity and the principle of meaningful competition.

“It will take some maneuvering, certainly, but we believe we can get it done,” said Warriors GM Bob Myers. “I’m confident we’ll find a way.”

All-time scoring great and ridiculous deck-stacker Kevin Durant demands change happen soon for the Warriors’ roster.

“I did not sign with the Golden State Warriors to be challenged in any way,” Durant said. “It’s disrespectful for Portland to bring it for three quarters. I’m not sure it’s even legal. Hopefully, CJ and Dame will be suiting up for us on Wednesday and I can rescind the complaint I’ve filed with the Commissioner’s Office and the Player’s Association.”

For their part, the Blazers players don’t see a move as likely.

“When Kevin Durant tweeted that thing about ‘being competitive and going at people,'” Damian Lillard said when reached for comment, “–see, I actually believe something like that. Like… live it and believe it. So, no. No, I won’t be signing with the Warriors.”

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