SE Belmont is reeling after violence between rival fitness gangs injured an innocent saw-playing busker early Tuesday.
“He was terrible, make no mistake,” said witness Feather Kloop. “But our saw-buskers are what make Portland Portland, more than anything. Accept maybe yoga. May those pilates hacks rot in hell.”
Witnesses say one member of an adjourning yoga class was mocking a member of an adjourning pilates class on the opposite side of Belmont for wearing yoga attire that was “clearly not fair-trade certified,” leading to a swift escalation to violence.
“That saw player couldn’t hardly get a single note out of his instrument. But I would die before Portland’s buskers have to be caught in crossfire like this,” said witness Clarice Vool. “Those yoga fascists need a bloody lesson in humility–and I don’t mean ‘bloody’ like British people say it, I mean they should bleed.”
A police spokesman said that while these incidents are “incredibly” common, they are also “extremely” easy to resolve.
“All we have to do is show up,” said Officer Raymond Joor. “Then all their anger at each others’ preferred stretchy business is pointed at us for various modern social issues.”