Portland’s soccer moms bristle at appropriation of their culture by burrito justice warriors

With their protest of white people making burritos, Portland’s most concerned and fastest to outrage sparked international intrigue. The group has also stirred up controversy from a seemingly unlikely local group. 

“What they are doing is stealing my culture to gain credibility,” said Hillsboro soccer mom Carol Klang. “Overreacting at the slightest provocation and conflating it to apocalyptic-level danger or irredeemable social injustice is the culture of the soccer mom.”

Klang and other soccer moms claim that Portland’s ethnic food appropriation alarmists are “shockingly hypocritical.” Soccer mom Fannie Bung said her irrational concerns are her identity.

“It used to be when a bicycle was stolen way over in Troutdale, I could freak out about how my children here in Beaverton were in imminent, extreme danger of death,” Bung said. “Now these Portland kids are taking the ‘loudest, most outraged and scared, therefore most aware’ bit away from soccer moms, and it’s Oregon’s most critical present issue.”

Portland’s childless small dog owners–a sister group of the soccer moms–have created a list, passionately circulated by Portland Mercury, describing the issues Portland’s most woke are overreacting to. The list, the groups hope, will shame the burrito justice warriors into behaving how they should. 

“Our hope is that we can keep our foothold on dire responses to just about anything,” Klang said.

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