White House announces first Trump DeVos Academy to open in Oregon’s Hillsboro

The first of a planned extensive U.S. network of Trump DeVos Academy campuses will open in Hillsboro in 2019.

Revealing a rendering and speaking to a press corps they described as “lecherous, amoral terrorists” that “were almost certainly holograms, because [they] certainly weren’t real with the exception of Breitbart,” a White House communications team made the announcement yesterday from the White House Rose Garden.

“The first academy will open in beautiful Hillsboro, Oregon, and will serve fortunate families that will be paying incredibly high tuition fees only outdone by the amount of dubious tax credits these families will receive from the President for expanding the empire he no longer has anything to do with whatsoever.”

-from an official statement announcing the first Trump DeVos Academy

The White House team boasted of the jobs and future leaders that would be created. Teachers of all subjects who are fluent in Russian with distorted views of the Constitution will be needed, members of the Press Secretary’s team said. Further, they speculated that Trump DeVos Academy will be turning out a great deal of abhorrent monsters, whose narcissistic bullying and complete inability to grasp truth has somehow become an acceptable skillset for our nation’s leaders.

“Our country will be in safe hands with the leaders Trump DeVos Academy produces. But, to be certain, these safe hands are not and will never be larger than President Trump’s hands, whose hands are the largest,” a spokesman said in the briefing.

The reaction so far from the local community has been poor.

Said a Nike spokesperson, “We’re pretty horrified to have this in our backyard. We’re recommending our athlete partners switch to adidas, or even that stupid brand LaVar Ball is getting all sorts of free press from ESPN to promote.”

 

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s