No More Room for Sasquatch


Looking out over a stretch of forest only a handful of unflatteringly regarded enthusiasts are aware of, Sasquatch takes in a breath of the fresh Oregon mountain air. The breath he draws is heavy with longing, with anxiety–with disappointment and a more bitter sadness than he’d like to admit. He will miss this dearly.

“All I ever wanted to do was raise a family in a reasonable dwelling here in my Oregon home where my father did the same,” Sasquatch said. “I’m not asking for a pod on the moon or something. I just want my children to have the life I lived, here. In my home. It’s slipped out my reach–like so many cell phones of all my witnesses in the moment they see me.”

If invisible to most everyone that isn’t that shifty-eyed guy at work who doesn’t do well with social cues, in parallel to their mortal human Californian counterparts, California’s cryptids and supernatural beings are moving to the Northwest, and specifically Oregon, at a great rate, forcing pressure on locals.

With a growing family, there is no longer room for Sasquatch in his present cave that your one weird cousin could totally take you right to if you’d only invest one weekend. However, due to the increasing presence of California cryptids and the nation-leading rate of growth in Oregon home values, he can’t afford anything bigger.

“My direct lineage were a legend among many of the native tribes of Oregon. We’ve been targeting the slightly unhinged, not especially trustworthy members of human society, and with an unfathomable–impossible, even–level of attention to detail, removing all of our hairs and bones in Oregon since before Oregon was Oregon. I wish my progeny could continue to do so right here, even after Oregon becomes New California.”

The cryptids of California have responded in diverse ways to the complaints of Sasquatch and other Oregonians. Some see what’s happening as an economical matter of population demographics.

The Billiwhack Dairy Monster formerly of Ventura County, as drawn–unsolicited, by a man at a SE Portland bar.

“It’s a simple matter of arbitrage,” said the Dark Watcher, formerly of the San Bernadino Hills, and presently living in a wooded location with coordinates available on a bizarre and insular online forum. “My human skull-lined forest fortress sold for 885,000 nightmares of the orphaned. That currency carries a lot farther in Oregon than it does in California. Do I miss presenting myself to Pacific Ocean fisherman who will drunkenly discuss the appearance four decades later as their toeing the line of senility? Dearly. But the opportunity was much greater here.”

Tired of the condescencion and blame, other California cryptids show less empathy.

“I’m sick of Oregonians demanding apologies,” said Char Man. “Hipsters are taking over my home of Ojai and young cryptids want the kind of cultural credibility of living and terrorizing in a trendy place where people think, act and dress differently in a very specific and uniform way, leaving no room for me. Does that sound familiar to the people of Portland, or to Sasquatch? There’s people yelling at my old bridge right now, and all the glory of the terrorizing spirit that emerges is going to go to the Monster of Elizabeth Lake or some other Southern Californian zoocrypt that wants to ‘be understood and appreciated’ or whatever. Sasquatch has his finger pointed at me, and mine is pointed at Chupa Cabra.”

Unpacking boxes into a cave where your doomsday prepper neighbor swears his buddy’s friend saw Bigfoot in the late 80’s, the Billiwhack Monster in some degree validates Char Man’s comments while explaining his own reasons for relocating to Oregon. He spoke about the excitement of the developing Oregon he left his California home for.

“I had it pretty good there,” Billiwhack Monster said of Ventura County. “Sane people thought I was a marketing ploy of a struggling family dairy. Do you know how easy it is to terrorize with that kind of buffer between you and credible people? But there is so much culture and youthful energy in and beyond Portland right now. I wanted to be a part of that. What’s great, with 35,000 Californians moving here a year, there is already the foundation of a knowledge base for me to work with. We stabilize the economy, pump the real estate market–who’s losing? We’re all immigrants anyway, right?”

When asked for a response to the California cryptids’ comments, Sasquatch said “It doesn’t really matter. It just doesn’t [expletiving] matter.” He left unclear what, if any, antimosity he feels toward Billiwhack Monster, the Dark Watcher and others.

“It’s not like I’m one of those human Californians who moved here and effected real estate prices in that first 90s wave complaining about this new wave of human Californians moving to Oregon and raising house prices today.

“It’s not like I’m a tree octopus either. I see hundreds of those things daily, and not even the most desperate, lonely, fantastic weirdos can be convinced those exist. We’ve worked hard to make Oregon ours, but carefully to keep ourselves appropriately mysterious. Right in the cryptid sweet spot. That’s all over now.”


One comment

Comments are closed.