Portland, Post-Fluoride

“Far less fluoride, far more progress,” is how Wade Watson describes Portland in the four years since citizens of the city voted to stop adding the mineral to its tap water.

Watson points to a number of staggering improvements in Portland life and society since fluoride was banned.

“Artisan hand-stitchery is up 18 hundred percent, burrito justice has finally arrived in Portland, and mandatory local farmer’s market attendance has been an undeniable, unprecedented success. It’s amazing what the unpoisoned mind is capable of.”

Other blissful citizens of the new Portland point to what remains possible with the funds formerly committed to fluoridation.

“The city’s art budget is exploding,” said 1ndig0 of the Regional Arts and Cultural Council. “We’re going to be able to build a lot more projects like the angle iron art on SE Grand Ave. …Sure, it would be flattering to call that art ‘hideously [expletiving] ugly.’ And, yeah, that money could have gone to Portland’s wildly, inexcusably underfunded and under-performing schools, but art is critical. Those kids can learn a lot more by looking at–but definitely not touching if they haven’t had their tetanus shots–that abomination called artwork on Grand.”

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This piece really captures man’s struggle to find meaning in ridiculous things.

1ndig0 couldn’t be happier with post-fluoride Portland.

“Thank goodness we stopped listening to those so-called experts.”

Now living as a group in the recently vacated Springwater Corridor, Portland’s former dentists are struggling to survive without fluoride in the public water supply rotting the teeth of their would-be patients.

“So this is my tent,” said Arthur Scrad, DMD. “I think one of the other dentists stole my rain fly, so it’s not terribly comfortable anymore. That’s my bike there, but I think the chain was taken with the rain fly.”

Watson has no sympathy for displaced dentists. He does, however, have his cross-hairs (he noted his objection to this violent imagery) on his next target for expulsion from Portland.

“All non-kale food products have no place in school-provided lunches. It’s criminal they are still present.”

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