In Dark of Night, Mayor Wheeler Slashes City’s Swiss Chard Research Budget

New Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler has managed to quietly slash the city’s Swiss chard budget from $3.5 million annually to a mere $3.2 million. With citizens fully fixated by President Trump’s daily incompetence and reprehensibility, Portland’s leadership has made a dramatic change to the city’s direction.

“Unconscionable,” is how Bloop Bloop Organics CEO Stish McMichelle described the situation. “I don’t know where I live anymore. Now that you can find dehydrated kale snacks at any corner store in Flyover-Ville Kansas or what-have-you, it is the duty of Portland to determine what’s next and who is cool. That’s why I moved here.”

McMichelle said she does not see how Portland can maintain the spearhead of culture with a reduced Swiss chard budget.

Le Thrê, Executive of Public Outreach for Fully Woke Greens, is most disgusted with the lack of public forum in the lead-up to the city’s decisive action.

“Sure there were 14 town halls to discuss it,” she said, “but that is dozens less than I personally demand.”

man-sad-dead-crops
This picture of irrelevant dead corn seems like a good image to accompany this story.

A spokesman from the Mayor’s office speaking on condition of anonymity said that scheduling more town halls or otherwise engaging the public proved logistically challenging.

“It is next to impossible to find 15 minutes strung together that aren’t formally scheduled for a protest in Portland,” the Mayor’s representative said.

Other officers in the city’s leadership have dubious ties to the decision.

Portland Bugle has uncovered newly-elected Councilwoman Chloe Eudaly’s connection to the Kale industry. She could not be reached for comment, as no attempt was made to reach her for comment to deny that decreasing the budget of Swiss chard–which many target as the “next kale”–is quid pro quo to a casual acquaintance she holds with an un-notable amateur kale farmer in Corvallis.

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