Percentage of bearded men reaches 5-year low of 107 percent

Residents of Portland are expressing shock and devastation as recent research has challenged their perception of the city where they live.

Research conducted in partnership between Pew Research Center and Portland Bugle has discovered that men ages 27-44 in Portland wearing facial beards has reached a five-year low of 107 percent.

“I expected top-knots to come and go quickly,” said Portland fashion authority Elmer McMullimer, editor of the blog PDXfashionistuds.corn. “I’m just shocked that my projections never bore this out.

Men with beards has been steadily decreasing since an all time high of 144 percent in 2014.

Some claim this is a trend that has produced victims.

Keratin hair fiber salesman Feldspar Nork has seen his business hurt already.

“Men with splotchy beards would come to me and get my hair fiber spray to present what appears to be a full beard to avoid the shame of an evening out in Portland without the culturally appointed style.”

Nork says his customers may be ’emboldened’ to go out, to even the trendiest places, with a clean shave.

Others are thrilled with the development.

“I have had an itchy face for seven straight years,” said Lester Mellimack. “Just as soon as beards dip to 80 percent, I feel like the balance of looking like a beardless freak or having an itchy face all the time will have tipped far enough for me to shave.”

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