Bugle Exclusive: Sources say LeBron to Portland a Near Certainty

According to exclusive Portland Bugle sources with specific information, LeBron James’ impending decision about which team to sign with this offseason has already been made.

It is a decision Blazers fans will be thrilled with.

In brief:
  • LeBron likes terrible municipal art, 7-Eleven
  • Free Willy is a cinematic masterpiece
  • Californians didn’t pay well above asking price for a home to eat tacos this unacceptable
  • Not Nike, but Avia (obviously)
  • Our graphics guy is a disaster

“When LeBron saw that rusted angle iron artwork on the east side of the Hawthorne Bridge, he knew this was a city he had to live and work in,” the source, who declined to be identified, said. “I don’t know what he saw in it, or what anyone sees in it, or how it is art, or how you can even look at it without needing a tetanus shot, but it was the final puzzle piece–reason be damned.”

Seriously, WTF?

The journey to Portland started, the source said, with the Michael Jackson song “Will You be There?” That’s the ‘hold me, like the River Jordan’ one that LeBron famously listens to on repeat for several hours before every game. When he learned the song was from the monumental film Free Willy, filmed in part in Portland, a seed was planted.

“On his next visit to Portland, he sent a team assistant to the Airport Way Best Buy to pick up some headphones that would really bring out the mids in ‘Will You be There?'” the source said. “Later, the assistant showed LeBron a note left on the windshield that said ‘GEE, NICE PARKING!'”

The passive aggression melted LeBron’s heart.

The source identified other factors that drew LeBron to Portland.

“He loves listening to relocated Californians complain about the quality of tacos in the housing market they destroyed, and he is absolutely wild about the 7-Eleven on SE Grand near Yamhill. His teammates will tell you, he just won’t shut up about the place.”

Of important note, is that Nike has not factored into James’ decision. The Beaverton athletic giant is often cause for speculation as a draw for major athletes to Portland. However, LeBron will leave Nike and sign with Avia as a Trailblazer in honor of Clyde Drexler, the source said.

The move is expected to improve the Blazers official Twitter account followers and interactions numbers. It could conceivably affect the team’s play as well.

Portland Bugle has fired Kevin, our graphics guy,

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