To the surprise of no one that’s ever seen a movie, Patriot Prayer and Rose City ANTIFA’s passionate obsession for each other will soon turn from violence to lusty open-mouth kissing, according to anonymous sources and police officer texts.
“It’s the slap-slap-kiss trope playing out, and everyone has always known it,” said Lewis & Clark Professor of Mid-80s Movies Lester Looyoob. “It’s cute and generous the way Portland’s police, civil officials, and citizens have been pretending to not know exactly where this has always been heading, with these two groups who only move for each other.”
Both groups are attempting to throw water on the forgone inevitability.
Said a Patriot Prayer member who identified himself as Schmoey Schmibson, “Would a guy like me, with a 15-inch lift on his American-made truck with gun racks and Trump stickers really want to get intimate with some liberal commie bozo in a black mask and slim dark jeans that really frame the contours of the mysterious and alluring activist whose eyes pierce to the soul from the holes of the stocking cap and cry out, ‘you are the one I will reveal myself to! it has always been you! we belong together!’ Would he? Of course not. GUNS! Laughable.”
Said a Rose City Antifa member through several voice-changing devices on an international burner cell-phone, “[unintelligible]… gun show… [radio interference]… sweaty biceps… [unintelligible]… piercing eyes.. [radio interference]… -elong together! …[radio interference].”
The two groups, sources say, have not ruled out musical numbers to lead in to the kissing.