Elisha! Portland Evangelical Academic Ecstatic Over Biblical Justification for Trump

While painstakingly scouring the Bible to secure the grounds for defending the presidency of Donald Trump as it aligns with his Christian values, Portland Evangelical Bible College professor Kevib Sclorps grew tired of bumping up against the “snowflakey words of Jesus” and flipped randomly to Second Kings.

“Who is the modern Mary Magdelene, in terms of American sentiment, if not Saudi Arabia?” Sclorps said. “They’ve been outcasts ever since they did 9/11. And Trump vetoed congress to sell them millions of dollars in arms, just as Jesus chose to walk with the pariah Mary Magdalene.”

Sclorps has been battling this perceived dichotomy for years. His original attempts to defend Trump were based on a comparison of Mary Magdalene to Saudi Arabia.

“Who is the modern Mary Magdelene, in terms of American sentiment, if not Saudi Arabia?” Sclorps said. “They’ve been outcasts ever since they did 9/11. And Trump vetoed congress to sell them millions of dollars in arms, just as Jesus chose to walk with the pariah Mary Magdalene.”

Initially frustrated after a failure to gain any traction with this New Testament-based Magdalene argument, Sclorps was relieved and energized by his discovery in the Old Testament. 

“It was my Eureka! moment,” Sclorps said. “It grew, tiresome reading about Jesus healing people and defending the downtrodden while trying to defend Trump and his repeated attempts to abolish the Affordable Care Act and his war on refugees.”

Critics of Trump have pointed to a history of behaviors that seemingly don’t comply with the core principles of the messages of Jesus and Christianity. Sclorps says to understand Trump and how his actions are supported by the Bible, one must look to the Prophet Elisha. 

In 2 Kings 2:23-25, Elisha is taunted by children teasing him for his baldness as he is travelling toward Bethel. Elisha calls upon the Lord to condemn them. God sends bears from the woods, who tear apart 42 children. 

“These Democrats will say, ‘Trump’s not Jesus-y,’” Slcorps said. “Well first of all, Donald Trump has the moral integrity to never be a Democrat. Secondly, if they would actually open up the Bible, they’d see things like God destroying children for his servants. So Trump is clearly quite Jesus-y.”  

Sclorps pointed to very direct parallels between Donald Trump and this account of Elisha. 

“Every time an unflattering picture of Trump’s scalp appears, the hateful glee erupts en masse among Anti-Trump Twitter,” Sclorps said. “Close enough to ‘Go thou up, bald head.’ It’s a criminal disrespect to the office of the Presidency, to insult him like this, and Barack Obama is an ugly, stupid coward for not doing something to prevent it.”  

Countless commentators have questioned Evangelical Christians for their overwhelming support of President Trump. The story of Elisha, Sclorps said, offers all the validation he needs.

“Just as God sent those bears to righteously tear apart those children for Elisha, Trump is tearing apart Central American families and figuratively calling down God’s bears on refugees, immigrants, those in need of government assistance, people at the greatest risk of Covid’s effects, and libtards–All in bringing forth the love and peace of Jesus.”  

Cheg Johnson, a student of Sclorps’ at PEBC notes the Christian principle of not judging others.

“There has been no documented case of [Trump] paying a pornstar for adultery while his third wife nurses his infant child in, like, 15 years,” Johnson said. “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone, right? Jesus was the only one without sin, so these evil idiots questioning God’s instrument Donald Trump, can burn in hell, the pathetic low-lifes.” 

Johnson agrees that the story of Elisha is a clear signal that the President’s style of leadership is justified for support among Christians.

“In Trump you have a man, doing the Lord’s work, chaste and true, being derided by the ignorant and unrighteous,” Johnson said. “Just as God sent those bears to righteously tear apart those children for Elisha, Trump is tearing apart Central American families and figuratively calling down God’s bears on refugees, immigrants, those in need of government assistance, people at the greatest risk of Covid’s effects, and libtards–All in bringing forth the love and peace of Jesus.”  

Sclorps is currently preparing a paper for to be reviewed by Laura Ingraham, and a member of the Falwell familiy to be named later for the scientific journal of the  Association of MegaChurches for Trump. 

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