"Our country will be in safe hands with the leaders Trump DeVos Academy produces. But, to be certain, these safe hands are not and will never be larger than President Trump's hands, whose hands are the largest," a spokesman said in the briefing.
Here is that beer list you've been looking for.
"These bike lanes will be another marker in Portland's aggressive path to be the greenest city in the U.S.," said Portland City Commissioner Sarah Skleeb over the phone from her car, after apologizing for missing the interview appointment on account of traffic.
To the surprise of no one that's ever seen a movie, Patriot Prayer and Rose City ANTIFA's passionate obsession for each other will soon turn from violence to lusty open-mouth kissing, according to anonymous sources and police officer texts. "It's the slap-slap-kiss trope playing out, and everyone has always known it," said Lewis & Clark … Continue reading Patriot Prayer, ANTIFA to begin making out passionately
"You know what doesn't go with green? Nearly 50 years of iconic black and red."
"I have had an itchy face for seven straight years," said Lester Mellimack. "Just as soon as beards dip to 80 percent, I feel like the balance of looking like a beardless freak or having an itchy face all the time will have tipped far enough for me to shave."
New Portland Mayor Ted Wheeler has managed to quietly slash the city's Swiss chard budget from $3.5 million annually to a mere $3.2 million.
"If you can't beat them super, super easily, have them join you," Warriors guard Stephen Curry said of round one rumblings about Golden State's imminent roster plans. "I won't rest until we have a Globetrotters/Generals situation." Operating under the belief that it's neither fair nor right that they should be challenged in a playoff game--even if … Continue reading Warriors to sign McCollum, Lillard ahead of Game 2
The results of a Bugle Politbureau poll have shown that Portland is undecided whether an autographed photo of President Trump's Chief Advisor and noted hateful lunatic Steve Bannon should replace the First Amendment. After tweeting the highly formal and scientific poll through this publication's twitter feed (see the image above) the total of zero responses--including … Continue reading Bugle Exclusive: Portland silent on whether photo of Bannon should replace First Ammendment