White House announces first Trump DeVos Academy to open in Oregon’s Hillsboro

"Our country will be in safe hands with the leaders Trump DeVos Academy produces. But, to be certain, these safe hands are not and will never be larger than President Trump's hands, whose hands are the largest," a spokesman said in the briefing.

Patriot Prayer, ANTIFA to begin making out passionately

To the surprise of no one that's ever seen a movie, Patriot Prayer and Rose City ANTIFA's passionate obsession for each other will soon turn from violence to lusty open-mouth kissing, according to anonymous sources and police officer texts. "It's the slap-slap-kiss trope playing out, and everyone has always known it," said Lewis & Clark … Continue reading Patriot Prayer, ANTIFA to begin making out passionately

Warriors to sign McCollum, Lillard ahead of Game 2

"If you can't beat them super, super easily, have them join you," Warriors guard Stephen Curry said of round one rumblings about Golden State's imminent roster plans. "I won't rest until we have a Globetrotters/Generals situation." Operating under the belief¬†that it's neither fair nor right that they should be challenged in a playoff game--even if … Continue reading Warriors to sign McCollum, Lillard ahead of Game 2

Bugle Exclusive: Portland silent on whether photo of Bannon should replace First Ammendment

The results of a Bugle Politbureau poll have shown that Portland is undecided whether an autographed photo of President Trump's Chief Advisor and noted hateful lunatic Steve Bannon should replace the First Amendment. After tweeting the highly formal and scientific poll through this publication's twitter feed (see the image above) the total of zero responses--including … Continue reading Bugle Exclusive: Portland silent on whether photo of Bannon should replace First Ammendment